Monday, February 22, 2010

Fantasy Land

I have officially moved on to stage two: lovely baby fantasies.

I live in Vancouver which is a beautiful city, surrounded by mountains and ocean. There are parks, walking/biking paths, beaches and pools. This and the fact that I am feeling so much better (i.e. not nauseous and throwing up) has allowed me to start indulging in fantasy land.

My biggest fantasies are not outrageous, they are definitely in the realm of reality. I picture going on lovely walks on the seawall everyday with the baby. Of course the sun is always shinning and I feel great. I also have visions of biking along the seawall path over to Spanish Banks; a beautiful beach towards the university. I will bring a picnic and a beach blanket. After a nice long ride, I'll set baby up and we'll bask in the sun together (baby and mother wearing sunscreen and hats of course). We'll relax, maybe I'll read and of course just play with baby and love life.

Granville Island has a nice little free water park for kids. Perfect for toddlers on hot summer days. I can also see going to local parks when baby is a little older and putting him/her in a swing or doing the butterfly swing that my mom used to do with me. This is when mom sits on the swing and puts the child facing mom with their little legs sort of wrapped around the mom. This way mom does all the work and the child enjoys the ride. I have vivid memories of doing that with my mom and loving it. I also remember going on bike rides and sitting in that little baby seat on my mom's bikes. These are some of the happiest memories of my life and I hope to recreate them with my little one.

Everything feels like it's going to be wonderful. I am definitely operating in some kind of a pink baby haze that does not allow clear sight of some of the baby realities to come: no sleep, sore body and poopy diapers. However, after the last few months of symptoms I think I'd like to stay here in fantasy land for a little while.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Perfect Pregnancy

I met her the other day, the perfect pregnant women.

She's actually a friend of mine who I haven't seen in awhile. She's about five and half months pregnant and has not had a complaint. She's a teacher too and one of the first things I asked her was how teaching has been. I know that if I had been in the classroom with my nausea, vomiting, headaches, constipation, farting and extreme tiredness I would not have been loving it. But she's fine. She doesn't even feel pregnant, except of course for her perfectly rounded baby bump. What? Is all I can think to pregnancy symptoms at all? I feel like I'm starting to discover new ones as time comes on. Nope, none of that for her. She is merely basking in the joy of creating life, she is in fact glowing. Not only has she experienced no pregnancy symptoms, apparently her body doesn't find the influx of hormones and the doubling of blood volume to be problematic in anyway. Dis I mention she is also beautiful.

Her body is thin and her bump is perfect. I still think I look mostly fat and my muffin top cannot be completely attributed to my growing fetus. And this glow thing is no joke, whereas I have blemishes and prepubescent acne, she has gorgeous, clear skin, with actual radiating glow.

I write all this not because I'm bitter or jealous which I kind of am but to give hope to all the women who I talk to and share my personal pregnancy experience with, it's not always like what I have been describing and for many and I hope all of you out there it will be nothing like this. There will be no three weeks of intense nausea or one week of no bowel movements. You may never experience puking down the street while trying to walk home or covering up blotchy skin in the morning.

I wish all my ladies a pregnancy like my beautiful friends, filled with nothing but loveliness and radiance. But you have to admit I have gotten some good stories out of this whole thing, that's something, isn't it?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Smooth Sailing- Kind Of

The last few weeks I have been feeling better overall, however, I still get attacked by the usual symptoms. Basically in the evenings, especially when I eat I feel like I ate way too much and my stomach hurts and then I may or may not get sick. This is starting to develop into an unwelcome routine. I have also experienced tired like I never thought possible and the occasional headaches too.

So I realize I'm doing a lot of whinny about symptoms and feeling sick but I honestly was completely unprepared for how difficult this whole thing would be. I mean when you think about it, growing a human life inside you is kind of a big deal right? But I do envy these women who glow and feel an overwhelming sense of joy. That sounds great, I'll take some of that please. All I've got are complaints and discomfort.

As I sit here at my desk with my ass hanging out of my maternity pants I also can't help thinking of these mystery women who wear there bellies with pride and grace. I feel like nothing fits me at all. If I thought shopping was hard on the self esteem before...? Yesterday I spent the entire day with the crotch of my maternity tights at my knees. But of course regular tights cut off my stomach which need to breathe.

The point of this email was to state that things are getting better and that smooth sailing is on the horizon but you know complaining is so much more fun.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Minor Freak Out

I have been feeling a little under the weather the last few days, although the nausea has long passed and the throwing up has been infrequent, it is difficult to say if the way I've been feeling is pregnancy related or just regular, run of the mill sickness. I have been crazy tired and I know that being tired is a common side effect of pregnancy but I had sort of leveled out for a few weeks before I was hit with this tiredness. Last night I came home and had something to eat which quickly came up. I then decided to take my temperature and it showed that I had a minor fever which took me into a major freak out.

This involved looking up pregnancy and fevers and reading about possible concerns. I then made a late night call to my brother-in-law in Toronto who has recently graduated from medical school. He was too kind and patient with me. He put my mind and heart at ease and by the time I got off the phone I felt a million times better. I also retook my temperature to discovery that it was normal, I have taken it about ten times in the last twelve hours and it's been normal each time since.

Although I realize that I overreacted last night to my 'fever' the experience my showed me that the love I have for my unborn child runs deeper then I ever imagined. The thought now of anything going wrong actually breaks my heart. There is nothing I want more now then this child to grow safely inside me and be born happy and healthy this summer. I talk to my belly already, telling it how my I love it. I love this baby and I want this baby more then I've ever loved or wanted anything.

I'm home sick from work today, resting and drinking plenty of fluids. I think I slept most of the day away so I guess my body needed it. I am determined to do everything that I can to ensure a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I will take care of myself and give my body what it asks for, even if it is twelve hours of sleep. I will also continue to talk to my baby, send it my love and all the positive, happy energy I have.

I guess I'm learning all about the love and fear that comes with parenthood, it's overwhelming and wonderful.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Growing Girl

Clothing has been a little bit of an issue lately. Basically, every morning I get dressed and try on three different outfits before I find something that is work and belly appropriate. The main problem is that all my clothes that are really comfortable make me look pregnant. I wore a black, cotton, empire waist dress to volunteer in a grade 2/3 class yesterday and the first thing one of the kids said to me was; "that dress makes you look pregnant." Inside I was like, 'thanks kid, you're saying what I think every time I look in the mirror.' However, when I wear 'normal' clothes my belly gets so uncomfortable. Almost all pants and skirts cut you off in the middle and now that my belly is getting bigger and harder it does not like these kinds of restrictions. The problem is that I am at that awkward period where I definitely have a bump but it hasn't fully rounded out. I also haven't told my work and I'm kind of hoping to keep it in a little while longer which means that everyday I must find something to wear that is comfortable and not over the top belly showing.

This brings me to my ridiculous trip to Walmart over the weekend. That's right I went to Walmart, now that I'm preparing for parenthood cheapness trumps evil American corporation. So I go in and am instantly in a daze, the lights are too bright, the aisles are too long and everything feels too big. But I'm here on a mission; to purchase a few basic staples. The most ridiculous item I bought was the fugliest mom-bra you have ever seen. This thing has no under wire, has nice thick straps and the worst flower embroider pattern in white on white. My husband grieves along with me but man this bra is so amazingly comfortable. I also bought some actual pregnancy tights and leggings which are soon to be everyday wear. Now buying a new bathing suit was a whole episode unto itself.

I swim laps throughout the year so it's important that I have a good, solid sports bathing suit to swim in. Doesn't have to be fancy, just needs to work. My current bathing suit was getting too small before I got pregnant so it was essential to buy a new one soon. This was the main goal of my trip to Walmart. Bathing suits at sports stores or department stores can easily run in the $100 range while at Walmart $20 is typical and since I was looking for a sports bathing suit it seemed the logically choice. So quickly I found myself in the change room and I had a whole range of sizes and only a few styles (they really didn't have the selection I hoped for) but I was optimistic. Of course my optimism quickly faded as I continued to try on different sizes, none of which fit just right. I finally tried on one that was the perfect fit but looking in the mirror it was ghastly. This was not even a mom bathing suit this was grandma styles. Breast support, exact support clip in the back and the design...there are no words. It was extremely unattractive and although I was only buying a suite for exercise I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I decided instead to go with the nicer style in the slightly too large of a size (after all I'm a growing girl right?). Wrong, or at least not close enough to right. I went for a swim in my new swimsuit the other day and it was a disaster, it felt like the thing was going to fall off the entire time I was doing laps. Oh grandma suite why did I judge you so harshly and why am I constantly buying things that don't fit? Lesson learned...I hope.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Just Out Walking

Picture this...

A beautiful Friday after work, I'm walking down a lovely little residential streets. It almost feels like spring here in Vancouver, the air is fresh and clean, the sky is blue and the birds are singing. Then suddenly, without warning or provocation there is puke in my mouth. I can't believe this is happening and I quickly and discreetly spite it out. I continue to walk on, thinking how strange and then it happens again and again and again. For absolutely no reason other then prehaps the baby trying to assert it's power over me, I am continually throwing up in my mouth. I am trying to draw as little attention to myself as possible, so I continue to walk on and hope that this insanity will subside. It does not. Before I can stop it or hide behind a bush there is puke in my mouth and I am spiting it out, hoping that none of the passerby notices my situation. I keep telling myself that I am fine and that this is nothing and that it will pass but it persists until I finally make it home and drag myself onto the couch with a strategically placed garbage can in front of it. The garbage can remains clean; apparently my stomach decided that puking in public would be more fun, then allowing me to keep any dignity at all.

This is my life now but there was a time not too long ago when I could control my bodily functions (to at least some degree). Alcohol has never sat well with me and so I am familiar with the nauseous leading up to a trip to the bathroom, followed by terrible retching. This was never pleasant but at least it was predicable. I could always make it to a bathroom on time. I could always hold it in on the walk home from the bar or even in the bumpy cab. What I am faced with now is unheard of: getting sick on the street, in the middle of the day, completely sober, this is not right!

A friend suggested I get a t-shirt that states something along the lines of; "Beware pregnant women approaching, could puke at any moment." Not exactly subtle but at least it would explain my predicament to strangers. I however, would prefer to send a message to my growing bundle of joy; "I am now officially in my second trimester baby and this is a time of happiness, excitement and very little physical drama. All this puking and nauseous business was fun, it gave me the full pregnancy experience but I'm good now, I'm done."

We'll see if he/she listens.